How to Recognize Workplace Manipulation
I remember when I first experienced gaslighting. It was a deeply confusing experience, filled with self-doubt and questioning my own reality. Questions like 'Am I imagining this?' and 'Did that really happen?' constantly swirled in my mind...
Wait a minute, did they just say, "I only lie to you because you never believe me."
WTF is happening?!?!
In this article I explore:
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a subtle form of psychological abuse that gradually takes place over time. The goal is to mislead someone by making them doubt their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality.
Named after the 1944 film Gaslight, this form of manipulation aims to gain power and control over the victim, usually for personal gain.
Because gaslighting is gradual, victims often dismiss early incidents as isolated events. Over time, it can cause serious emotional and psychological consequences. Victims of gaslighting may become anxious, confused, and lose confidence in their own thoughts and perceptions.
Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationship or environment, from personal relationships and professional relationships (family, friends, romantic partners, business, and workplace) to even in broader arenas like government and politics.
Common Types of Gaslighting & Gaslighting Phrases
It's not always easy to recognize gaslighting. The tactics used are often subtle and unfold over time.
Here are some common gaslighting tactics and phrases:
Denial/Contradiction:
"I never said that."
"That's not what happened."
"Are you sure you're not imagining things?"
"Why would I make that up?"
"That's not what you really mean."
"I don't remember saying that."
"I already told you that." (Even if they didn't)
"I know I said you were doing a good job, but..."
"I thought you understood..." (After giving clear instructions)
"I never told you the meeting was cancelled."
Minimization/Trivialization
"You're overreacting."
"It's not a big deal."
"Calm down. It was a joke."
"You always overthink things."
"You're too sensitive."
"You're reading too much into this."
"Why are you so upset about this?"
"You're being dramatic."
Emotional Manipulation/Guilt-Tripping:
"If you really cared about me..."
"You know I love you, and I'd never hurt you on purpose."
"You're so ungrateful."
"You're just trying to play the victim."
"After everything I've done for you..."
"You're being selfish."
"You're just trying to make me feel bad."
Blame-Shifting/Diversion:
"You made me do it."
"This is all your fault."
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"You have no clue."
"If you hadn't done ___, this wouldn't have happened."
"You're the one always causing problems."
"I feel like you're bullying me."
"I'm the only one who does anything around here."
"You're too controlling."
"You're trying to make me look bad."
"This project failed because you didn't do your job right." (Even if it wasn't their fault)
Withholding/Exclusion:
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You don't need to worry about that."
"It's none of your business."
"I did it for your own good."
"You didn't need to be included in that meeting anyway."
"I didn't copy you on that email because it was relevant to you."
Isolation/Alienation:
"Everyone will think you're crazy."
"No one will believe you."
"I don't think your friends have your best interest in mind."
"I'm the only one who understands you."
"No one else has a problem with me."
Undermining/Belittling:
"I don't know why they think that's such a big deal, anyone can do that."
"You're not as smart as you think you are."
"You can't do anything right."
Micromanagement/Unreasonable Demands:
"I need to approve everything you do."
"I need to approve your emails before you send them."
"I need to review all of your reports."
"I need this done by Monday morning." (Your boss assigns you a project at the end of the day on Friday.)
Gaslighting at Work
Gaslighting is a form of bullying and can be a strategic choice for individuals who want to achieve specific goals, such as discrediting a coworker to gain a promotion or gain power over an individual.
21 Gaslighting Tactics a Boss or Colleague Might Use at Work:
They deny previously made statements or agreements like saying you can skip a meeting and then asking why you weren't there.
They make promises they don't keep, like giving you a raise or promotion.
They blatantly lie.
They change stories or stances frequently.
They change your work goals or job description without discussing it with you.
They change office policies for their own benefit.
They make unprofessional comments and say things like, "I'm only joking."
They try to humiliate you and say negative things about you in public.
They provide unjustified negative performance reviews.
They belittle your accomplishments or abilities.
They accuse you of mistakes you didn't make.
They spread rumors about you or try to create divisions.
They exclude you from important communications or meetings required for your job.
They lack transparency and withhold information that is required for your job.
They have unreasonable expectations like scheduling last-minute meetings or assigning last-minute projects with a short deadline.
They exercise excessive and unwarranted control over your work.
They fluctuate between praise and harsh criticism.
They are defensive and question your recollection of events.
They avoid taking responsibility and shift blame to others.
They refuse to acknowledge your concerns and say things like, "you're being too sensitive."
They pretend to be helpful but bottleneck your progress.
Symptoms of Gaslighting
The symptoms of gaslighting range, and people can experience gaslighting differently depending on several factors like duration, intensity, and individual personalities.
Below are a few common psychological and physical symptoms of gaslighting a person might experience:
You question your own judgement and feelings.
You doubt your memory.
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You feel anxious or depressed.
You feel overly stressed.
You feel inadequate and less confident.
You are on eggshells or tip toe around the other person.
You feel undermined.
You doubt your abilities and engage in negative self-talk.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You feel isolated or trapped.
You feel confused and question your reality.
Your motivation has decreased.
You try to convince yourself that it's all in your head.
You have trouble sleeping.
You have physical symptoms like headaches and digestive issues.
Trust your instincts and pay attention to your emotional responses.
If you suspect gaslighting, seek support. In the workplace, consider contacting human resources. For personal matters, counseling or talking with a trusted friend or family member can be helpful.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides free, confidential telephone and chat support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Text "START" to 88788 or call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or speak with a counselor.
How to Respond to Gaslighting at Work
If your manager is gaslighting you, it can be a challenging and distressing situation, but there are steps you can take to protect yourself and address the issue.
Recognize the Behavior
The first step is to acknowledge and make sure that what you are experiencing is gaslighting. Pay close attention to what is being said. Trust your instincts and intuition and educate yourself about gaslighting behaviors so you can identify them.
Document Incidents
Document! Document! Document! Keep a detailed record of all incidents of gaslighting, including dates, times, locations, and descriptions of what was said or done. Take screenshots and note direct quotes when possible. This documentation is essential if you need to escalate the issue.
Seek Support
Talk to trusted colleagues, friends, or family members about your experiences. Sharing your concerns with others can provide emotional support, validation, and additional perspectives on the situation.
Review Company Policies
Familiarize yourself with your company's policies and procedures regarding harassment and reporting misconduct. Determine the appropriate channels for reporting workplace issues.
Speak Directly to Your Manager
If you feel safe doing so, consider addressing the issue with your manager directly. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and concerns. Be clear about the specific behaviors that are causing you distress.
Consult HR
If speaking to your manager doesn't lead to resolution or if you fear retaliation, contact your Human Resources department. Share your concerns and provide them with the documentation you've collected.
Request a Transfer
If your company is large enough, inquire about the possibility of transferring to a different department or team where you can work under a different manager. This can be an option to explore if your safety or well-being is at risk.
Seek Legal Advice
If the gaslighting behavior continues or escalates, you may want to consult with an attorney who specializes in workplace harassment and employment law. They can advise you on your legal rights and options.
Consider External Resources
Reach out to external resources, such as employee assistance programs (EAPs) or counseling services, to help you cope with the emotional impact of gaslighting.
Report Retaliation
If you experience retaliation or adverse actions after reporting the gaslighting, document these incidents as well. Retaliation is illegal in many states, and you may have legal recourse.
Stay Professional
Throughout the process, maintain professionalism and focus on your job performance. This can help demonstrate your commitment to your work and may be important if you need to make a case against the gaslighter.
Know Your Rights
Familiarize yourself with local, state, and federal laws regarding workplace harassment, discrimination, and retaliation. Understanding your legal rights can be empowering.
It can be challenging to confront a manager who is gaslighting you, and the appropriate course of action may vary depending on the specific circumstances and your comfort level. Always prioritize your safety and well-being, and don't hesitate to seek professional advice or legal assistance if necessary.
How to Heal from Gaslighting
Gaslighting negatively impacts your mental and physical well-being. While not always easy, it's essential to prioritize yourself and take steps to regain your confidence and emotional health.
Practice Self-Compassion
The first step is to acknowledge and recognize that the manipulation was not your fault and that you deserve to heal.
Therapy and Counseling
Consider seeking therapy or counseling from a mental health professional, especially if the gaslighting has had a significant impact on your emotional well-being. Therapy can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies.
Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from future gaslighting. Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and be prepared to enforce these boundaries.
Self-Care
Engage in self-care activities that promote your physical and emotional well-being. This can include exercise, meditation, hobbies, or any activities that help you relax and recharge.
Rebuild Self-Esteem
Gaslighting often erodes self-esteem and self-confidence. Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem by creating an ongoing list of your strengths and accomplishments. Positive affirmations can also help boost your self-worth.
Keep a Journal
Consider keeping a journal to track your thoughts, feelings, and progress. Journaling can be a helpful tool for self-reflection and gaining clarity.
Limit Exposure
If possible, limit your interactions with the gaslighter or take steps to distance yourself from the toxic environment.
Professional Development
Invest in your professional growth and development. Acquiring new skills and knowledge can boost your confidence and open up opportunities for career advancement.
Network
Build a strong professional network both within and outside your current workplace. A supportive network can provide opportunities for career growth and a sense of community.
Focus on the Future
Shift your focus from the past to the future. Set new goals and aspirations, and work toward creating a positive work environment for yourself.
Recovery from gaslighting often takes time, and healing is a gradual process. Try to be patient and remember to be kind to yourself.
Important Things to Remember About Gaslighting
It's Not Your Fault
Victims of gaslighting often blame themselves for the manipulation. It's essential to remember that gaslighters are responsible for their actions, and you are not to blame for their behavior.
It Can Happen Anywhere
Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationship, including friendships, family dynamics, romantic partnerships, and workplace interactions.
It Can Be Subtle
Gaslighting tactics are often subtle and gradual, making it challenging for victims to recognize the manipulation until it escalates. Gaslighters may start with minor tactics and gradually increase the intensity.
It's About Control
Gaslighting is fundamentally about control and power. Gaslighters seek to control the perceptions, emotions, and actions of their victims to maintain dominance.
It Can Be Damaging
Gaslighting can cause significant emotional distress, self-doubt, anxiety, and depression in its victims. Long-term exposure to gaslighting can have lasting psychological effects.
Validation Is Crucial
Seek validation from trusted friends, family members, or professionals if you suspect you are being gaslit. Having someone to talk with and confirm your experiences can help counteract the doubt sown by the gaslighter.
Gaslighters Can Be Charming
People who gaslight often can present a charming and likable facade to others. This can make it challenging for outsiders to believe the victim's experiences.
Gaslighting Is Not Love
In romantic or other close relationships, gaslighting is not a sign of love or concern. It is a form of abuse and manipulation that should not be tolerated.
Setting Boundaries Is Important
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial when dealing with gaslighting. Make it clear what behavior is unacceptable and be prepared to enforce those boundaries.
Seek Professional Help
If you are experiencing gaslighting and struggling to cope, consider seeking the assistance of a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma or abusive relationships.
Educate Yourself
Learning more about gaslighting and its tactics can empower you to recognize and respond to it effectively. Knowledge is a powerful tool in combating gaslighting.
It's Okay to Walk Away
If the gaslighting continues despite your efforts to address it, it's okay to walk away from the relationship, whether it's a personal relationship or a toxic work environment. Your well-being should always come first.
Join the conversation. If you feel comfortable, please share your gaslighting recovery strategies in the comments below. If you know someone who is experiencing gaslighting, please consider sharing this post with them.
References:
Gaslighting. (2025). https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/gaslighting
Gaslighting. (2024). In Merriam-Webster Dictionary. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting
Msw, D. M. (2023, August 14). A new study shows what drives people to gaslight and how to recover from it. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/202308/what-exactly-is-gaslighting-and-why-do-people-do-it?msockid=201d84bfec0269241cec97b2ed8c68fc
Fletcher, J. (2023, October 17). 6 Gaslighting Examples and Tips to Cope. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-gaslight-someone#trivializing
Gupta, S. (2023, August 16). Gaslighting examples and how to respond. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/gaslighting-examples-7567491
Monimawellness. (2024, October 17). 10 Examples & Signs of Gaslighting | Common Tactics. Monima Wellness Center. https://www.monimawellness.com/blog/10-examples-of-gaslighting/
Sweeney, E., & Dolgoff, S. (2024, February 23). 35 subtle gaslighting phrases that are unfairly belittling your emotions. Good Housekeeping. https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/g39041313/gaslighting-phrases/
Waters, S., PhD. (2024, March 27). What is gaslighting at work? 6 signs of gaslighting and how to deal. BetterUp. https://www.betterup.com/blog/gaslighting-at-work
Fisic, J. (2023, May 9). Gaslighting at work: examples, signs, and how to deal with it. Pumble Blog. https://pumble.com/blog/gaslighting-at-work/
Santhosh. (2024, June 10). What is gaslighting in the workplace: Examples and tips to handle it as a leader. CultureMonkey. https://www.culturemonkey.io/employee-engagement/gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
Smirl, P. (2022, March 2). Combating gaslighting in the workplace. Wisconsin School of Business. https://business.wisc.edu/news/combatting-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
Gaslighting is a form of subtle workplace bullying. (n.d.). https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/gaslighting.html#:~:text=A%20lack%20of%20openness%20and,the%20likely%20outcomes%20may%20be.
Bowie, R. (2020, November 10). Gaslighting at Work: 10 Signs Your Coworkers or Boss Are Messing with You. PureWow. https://www.purewow.com/wellness/gaslighting-at-work-common-signs
What gaslighting at work looks and sounds like. (2023, April 3). The Muse. https://www.themuse.com/advice/gaslighting-at-work-signs-examples-tips
Newport Institute Staff. (2024, July 3). Identifying gaslighting: signs, examples, and seeking help. Newport Institute. https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/what_is_gaslighting_abuse/
Raypole, C. (2024, October 16). Think you’re being gaslit? Here’s how to respond. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-deal-with-gaslighting#reach-out
Comments